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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

On my knees....

There are days,
When I feel
The best of me
Is ready to begin
Then they're days,
When I feel
I'm letting go,
And soaring on the wind
But I've learned in laughter or in pain,
How to survive
I get on my knees

*On my Knees by nicole mullen*

I remember hearing this song as a young child and not really understanding the feeling of having no other alternative but collapsing to your knees and pleading with the Lord... Other the last few years, i have found a permanent place on my knees (i really should just break down and get some knee pads ;)

I really am at a loss as to how to update you all on the last 2 weeks, so I'm going to do the best i can...

A few hours actually after my last post was written (i just realized that, *how ironic*) we got a "call" and a match! exactly 1 day after our home study was officially finished and approved... this is absolutely unheard of... and we felt as tho we were witnessing a miracle! We began preparing for this little one, who arrived 1 week and 1 day later! We were parents!! "Unto us a Son is born!" We decided to call him Levi (James Levi) and we fell madly in love with him, in no time fast! 2 days after his birth we headed to the hospital to bring our son home, and we headed straight into the face of a disruption!!! It a very long story, that frankly isn't worth telling yet again... (for my sanity) but it has been a very long last few days of court hearing and lawyer meetings... and things ended yesterday... (not in our favor)

Understandably we are absolutely DEVASTATED!! I am praying that the Lord will heal my heart, as he has done many times before and that he will take hold of this situation and hold our son in his precious, strong hands... I pray that he will keep him safe, and that he always know he is loved!! I also know that God can do ANYTHING, and if this little boy is meant to be with us... HE WILL BE!! i believe that with all my heart...

Ive had quite a few people say to me through this last 4/5 days of struggle that this "must be Gods will" (that he will grow up with another family) I don't know that i believe that... maybe its my grief, but knowing this situation as well as i do... and the type of people he is with... i truly DO NOT believe that it is "Gods Will" for our son to be there!! *i know some of you are thinking, ohh poor girl is so grief stricken she cant accept the truth**

But hang on a sec...

Bad things happen in all of our lives!! We have all experienced these devastating life happenings.... I don't believe for one minute that God wills all of these things on us! (maybe some of them) but other things i think he just allows to happen.... Maybe so we will learn to cling more to him, or so that we can learn some other lesson... But i believe that HE is saddened by the horrific things of this world, and HE weeps with us!! What a comfort that God is right here, shedding tears beside us... with his arms around us!! I am SO SO grateful for that!!! Some people say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" but i say that isn't true! because "with God you can handle anything!!"

i have been clinging to a verse the last few days...
here's an exerpt...

"making the barren woman to be at home - the joyful mother of children" (Psalms113:9)

I totally and completely believe that i have been given these completely overwhelming intense desires to be a mother for a reason! and MY GOD will not leave me with empty arms with these feelings!!! He has given me these desires in my heart, and HE WILL FULL FILL Them!!!

Throughout this journey, all of our preconceived notions about what our "perfect" family would look like has been dashed... The Hubby always thought 2 kids would be perfect... I always thought 7 (lol yes Ive always wanted a BIG family).... After about a year of marriage we decided that 5 was our number!! yes a big family to some, but its seemed perfect to us! 3 boys 2 girls "Perfection"

After the years of losses, infertility treatments and depleting savings accounts! We have (both independently) come to realize that children are a blessing... and that God is the best one to decide how many blessings we have!! It is completely in his hands....

i know i havent been very consistent blogging here, but i am going to try to do so more often... writing is an excellent way for me to reflect and its VERY therapeutic for me, and maybe a long the way i can help someone else!

Thanks for reading & Blessings to all!
*please keep us n prayers over the coming weeks as we mourn our most recent loss and deal with the holidays without our little man*

Xoxo
~Liz

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

So Much to be Thankful for....

So WOW... I haven't updated in a while, i apologize for that!

The Last month since i last updated has been crazy to say the least... Rushing to get all our paperwork in and of course having to "redo" a few things lol This process thus far has been a huge learning exp. not just about the adoption process (that's a given) but about me, my marriage, and my faith! Dealing with the infertility process was maddening, and even though i felt "out of control" i still had a fair bit of control over the situation... Not over whether i would bare a child or not, but i could do everything in to take care of myself to help that process along!! But there isn't much i can do to control this situation... With adoption.... we are completely relying on others... Well and our Creator!! I have never been more grateful for my faith. If we were going through this process without it, i know, I would be much more of a wreck than i am, lol just to float through and "hope" that by chance, a baby will cross my path????!!!???? WOW that would be really HARD!!

But we get to go through this process, and as hard as it is to wait for our child... We can pray specifically for him/her daily! Because we believe that they are already out there somewhere!!! We know that before we even thought about starting this process, our LORD already knew who he/she was... We BELIEVE that it is only a matter of time before a series of seemingly unimportant events occur and lead us to our child! Although we are extremely anxious to be united with our child/children... We know how and when it happens it will be more perfect than we could have even imagined!!!

I have come to realize lately that i have never relied on God more in my life than i am right now through this journey.... and I'm beginning to realize that i had to go through all that i have to come closer to HIM!! It is sad that "human" me had to exp. such intense hardship before i gave everything over to God, but He knew what i needed all along!! It really took me until recently to "forgive" myself for turning my back on God after our losses... I kept thinking i was not worthy of his love, that he was "angry" with me and would never bless me again.... because of the things i had said in anger and the way i had acted.... at times i didn't even feel worthy enough to apologize! I was praying one day about 2 months ago (feeling very unworthy to even be speaking to Him) and i had this over whelming feeling that His arms were around me (first time i felt this in a long time)... I felt him tell me He loved me, and that He DOES NOT hold grudges... HE will always forgive... and that HE understood my anger!! A huge wait was lifted!!! I really cant believe that my silly human nature let me, really truly believe that God would hold a grudge against me for the rest of my life!!
How crazy is that??!!??

HE understands... and will always be there! No matter what! Once you are HIS child, you are NEVER again ALONE!! * what a comfort that is... *

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Yummy coffee & Adoption!! Can it get much better?

As we get closer and closer to our home studys completion. We are thinking more and more about different ways to raise money for our adoption! I was referred to this website by a friend, and we prayed about it and decided to give it a go! I actually had the opportunity to taste their coffee myself, and it is fantastic!!! Andrew and I will receive 5$ for every bag of coffee purchased towards our adoption. So we are asking all of you to consider buying a bag for yourself or for someone you know! You could even consider giving bags as gifts for Christmas... they also sell tee shirts and other things as well, and we get proceeds from each of those too!

http://www.justlovecoffee.com/TheDarlings


Thanks for all the Prayers & Support! and keep them coming :)

Blessings
Liz

Thursday, October 22, 2009

What a relief!!

its been about an hour since our social worker Brenda, left our house! She spent about 3 1/2 hours here....

i seriously have been going crazy! SO SO nervous about this meeting and how things would go, we cleaned and cleaned.... and cleaned lol but after she was here about 10 minutes, we were laughing and talking very freely and openly... She said, "wow i feel like ive known you guys for years!" haha funny enough i felt the same way! Im SO impressed with her knowledge and how caring she is... She really does do this for "the children", not the money... this isnt a "business" to her, its a cause! I LOVE THAT!!! she was very open and honest with us, and was very encouraging!! After we had talked for a while and shared basic information and paperwork... We took her on a tour of our house! She made lots of positive comments and really didnt have anything negative to say... :) We made our way upstairs and showed her all the rooms, when we got to the nursery full of all the baby things... she stood in the middle of the room with her mouth open just looking around! she walked over to me with tears in her eyes... she gave me one of the warmest hugs ive had in a long time, then she cupped my face in her hands, and said with tears rolling down her cheeks "you have my heart, we need to get you a baby NOW!!!" i was so shocked and felt so cared for in that moment! We arent just some family on a list to her... you can tell that she takes this very personally, and i LOVE that!
After the tour we went back to the kitchen for more talking, and she asked us what we were looking for in a child... what are we open to as far as race and gender! when we said "ANY" she asked us if we were sure? and then got this HUGE grin on her face and said, "OOOOOO this will be fast!!! you wont wait long" she went on to tell us how she gets calls about babies all the time, and if we are open... it wont be long at all! i couldnt believe what i was hearing... and from then on the rest of her visit was smooth sailing..... we are SO increadibaly excited that we could have a baby soon, and WE are SO SO ready!! I have such peace about this situation, such calmness.... I know that our baby is out there, and we will be together soon!!

Our next meeting with her is on November 7th, and we're going to meet her in Deep Creek at andrews parents house! (we have to cover her milage expenses and its much closer there, plus she will get to meet them!!) We have our physicals and chest xrays on the 10th and then we just have to wait for our clearences to come back, and then we're ready for a baby!! :) She also has lots of other adoptive families right in our area, and she is going to connect us with them!! :):):):)

So now we begin looking for adoption grants and different fundraising options! We trust that God will provide this need for us.... I believe that our baby has already been chosen and nothing or no one can stop the will of the OUR LORD!!!!!! if anyone has any suggestions on fundraising ideas or organizations that give grants please let me know!

thanks for reading & for the prayers!!! They are SO working... So keep emm coming!!! :):)

ill update soon!

Blessings
~Liz

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Preparing for our first "home visit"....

Our journey began almost 3 1/2 years ago... Even before we were married we talked about adoption, it was always in the future-tense always after we had our "own" (biological) children. After years of infertility treatments, and many losses! We have come to realize that more than we want babies who look like us... We just want BABIES!! no matter what they look like, we just want to be parents. So about 3 weeks ago we found a social worker, called her and began this intense process!! First things first, we had to get our fingerprints done (2x for each of us) at the police station, i was nervous... Andrew just kept telling me to relax it was no big deal, but he was nervous too! haha the sheriff that was taking our prints had lots of questions for us and was VERY nice which eased our minds... then we had to fill out our FBI child abuse clearance forms! (so many questions) and signature release forms (still not sure what that's for?).. we overnight ed all of the forms to our social worker Brenda, and now we just wait and prepare for this next chapter of our lives...

It wont be along wait because our 1st "home visit" is on this Friday the 23rd! Andrew has already taken off work, we have spent the whole weekend cleaning and organizing the house, cleaning the walls, touching up paint, organizing cabinets and closets (just in case she looks in them lol) we have sent out the questionnaire form to our family and friends and lined up almost, all of our references... there is much more to do though...

I must admit i am really "loosing my marbles" over all of this... I'm a nervous wreck! Andrew is the complete opposite, very calm and collected... he just keeps saying,"Hunny, BE YOURSELF!" and i look back at him thinking, how?? this one person holds all the cards in determining whether we are "allowed" to be parents or not! I find my mind frequently swirling into worries of... what should i wear? (what does a "good" mother wear?), what should i bake that morning, to fill the air with lovely smells,(what is a "good" parents smell??) I'm contemplating making homemade applesauce, cookies, or muffins... i cant decide so maybe ill just make all 3!!:) haha We've already set up a grooming appt for the dogs, so they don't "scare" her off one the first visit with their excitement. We're buying a new coffee maker (the kind that grounds the coffee first) so we can make her a cup of yummy coffee! -- if she even drinks coffee!!

**according to our social worker this whole home study process should take about 8 weeks and being as we are about 2 weeks in... we just have about 6 weeks to go, before we are officially "Paper Pregnant"!!**

-Paper Pregnant is the term used for adoptive parents who have an approved home study that are waiting for the placement of their child/children...

There are 3 options to choose from when looking into adoption all have pros and cons...
*There is International Adoption - where an international agency in the country of your choice "matches" you with a baby, you make trips to the country and spend time there to get your child. this is a great option for some, but it can be very expensive and require A LOT of out of the country travel... It can also take along time to get your baby!

**There is Domestic infant adoption - where you sign up with an agency or lawyer and "market" yourself to potential birth mothers who are looking to place their unborn babies for adoption. This is also a great option for some, in that it almost guarantees you will get a newborn fresh from the hospital. It can also be fairly expensive, and uncertain... as birth mom can always change her mind after placement (until her rights have been terminated) and get the baby back!

***Lastly there is adoption from the foster system - this type of adoption is the one we have chosen... once our home study is finished we will sign with our local state agency, and wait for a child that will be a good match for us to come along! We are open to any children under 3 years old... although we would prefer a newborn baby! going this route of adoption, isn't without risk... chances are we will have to "foster" our children for a while before they are available to be officially adopted and there is always a chance we could have to say goodbye to some, before our forever baby comes along! although i hope and pray we don't have to... we may get a child/children with some challenges, but we feel like these children needs loving parents all the more... and we can give them a safe, loving environment to grow and flourish!!

I will update here often and i hope that everyone will keep up with our journey and pray, pray, pray for us throughout all of this!!

Hugs & Blessings
xoxo