So WOW... I haven't updated in a while, i apologize for that!
The Last month since i last updated has been crazy to say the least... Rushing to get all our paperwork in and of course having to "redo" a few things lol This process thus far has been a huge learning exp. not just about the adoption process (that's a given) but about me, my marriage, and my faith! Dealing with the infertility process was maddening, and even though i felt "out of control" i still had a fair bit of control over the situation... Not over whether i would bare a child or not, but i could do everything in to take care of myself to help that process along!! But there isn't much i can do to control this situation... With adoption.... we are completely relying on others... Well and our Creator!! I have never been more grateful for my faith. If we were going through this process without it, i know, I would be much more of a wreck than i am, lol just to float through and "hope" that by chance, a baby will cross my path????!!!???? WOW that would be really HARD!!
But we get to go through this process, and as hard as it is to wait for our child... We can pray specifically for him/her daily! Because we believe that they are already out there somewhere!!! We know that before we even thought about starting this process, our LORD already knew who he/she was... We BELIEVE that it is only a matter of time before a series of seemingly unimportant events occur and lead us to our child! Although we are extremely anxious to be united with our child/children... We know how and when it happens it will be more perfect than we could have even imagined!!!
I have come to realize lately that i have never relied on God more in my life than i am right now through this journey.... and I'm beginning to realize that i had to go through all that i have to come closer to HIM!! It is sad that "human" me had to exp. such intense hardship before i gave everything over to God, but He knew what i needed all along!! It really took me until recently to "forgive" myself for turning my back on God after our losses... I kept thinking i was not worthy of his love, that he was "angry" with me and would never bless me again.... because of the things i had said in anger and the way i had acted.... at times i didn't even feel worthy enough to apologize! I was praying one day about 2 months ago (feeling very unworthy to even be speaking to Him) and i had this over whelming feeling that His arms were around me (first time i felt this in a long time)... I felt him tell me He loved me, and that He DOES NOT hold grudges... HE will always forgive... and that HE understood my anger!! A huge wait was lifted!!! I really cant believe that my silly human nature let me, really truly believe that God would hold a grudge against me for the rest of my life!!
How crazy is that??!!??
HE understands... and will always be there! No matter what! Once you are HIS child, you are NEVER again ALONE!! * what a comfort that is... *