There are days,
When I feel
The best of me
Is ready to begin
Then they're days,
When I feel
I'm letting go,
And soaring on the wind
But I've learned in laughter or in pain,
How to survive
I get on my knees
*On my Knees by nicole mullen*
I remember hearing this song as a young child and not really understanding the feeling of having no other alternative but collapsing to your knees and pleading with the Lord... Other the last few years, i have found a permanent place on my knees (i really should just break down and get some knee pads ;)
I really am at a loss as to how to update you all on the last 2 weeks, so I'm going to do the best i can...
A few hours actually after my last post was written (i just realized that, *how ironic*) we got a "call" and a match! exactly 1 day after our home study was officially finished and approved... this is absolutely unheard of... and we felt as tho we were witnessing a miracle! We began preparing for this little one, who arrived 1 week and 1 day later! We were parents!! "Unto us a Son is born!" We decided to call him Levi (James Levi) and we fell madly in love with him, in no time fast! 2 days after his birth we headed to the hospital to bring our son home, and we headed straight into the face of a disruption!!! It a very long story, that frankly isn't worth telling yet again... (for my sanity) but it has been a very long last few days of court hearing and lawyer meetings... and things ended yesterday... (not in our favor)
Understandably we are absolutely DEVASTATED!! I am praying that the Lord will heal my heart, as he has done many times before and that he will take hold of this situation and hold our son in his precious, strong hands... I pray that he will keep him safe, and that he always know he is loved!! I also know that God can do ANYTHING, and if this little boy is meant to be with us... HE WILL BE!! i believe that with all my heart...
Ive had quite a few people say to me through this last 4/5 days of struggle that this "must be Gods will" (that he will grow up with another family) I don't know that i believe that... maybe its my grief, but knowing this situation as well as i do... and the type of people he is with... i truly DO NOT believe that it is "Gods Will" for our son to be there!! *i know some of you are thinking, ohh poor girl is so grief stricken she cant accept the truth**
But hang on a sec...
Bad things happen in all of our lives!! We have all experienced these devastating life happenings.... I don't believe for one minute that God wills all of these things on us! (maybe some of them) but other things i think he just allows to happen.... Maybe so we will learn to cling more to him, or so that we can learn some other lesson... But i believe that HE is saddened by the horrific things of this world, and HE weeps with us!! What a comfort that God is right here, shedding tears beside us... with his arms around us!! I am SO SO grateful for that!!! Some people say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" but i say that isn't true! because "with God you can handle anything!!"
i have been clinging to a verse the last few days...
here's an exerpt...
"making the barren woman to be at home - the joyful mother of children" (Psalms113:9)
I totally and completely believe that i have been given these completely overwhelming intense desires to be a mother for a reason! and MY GOD will not leave me with empty arms with these feelings!!! He has given me these desires in my heart, and HE WILL FULL FILL Them!!!
Throughout this journey, all of our preconceived notions about what our "perfect" family would look like has been dashed... The Hubby always thought 2 kids would be perfect... I always thought 7 (lol yes Ive always wanted a BIG family).... After about a year of marriage we decided that 5 was our number!! yes a big family to some, but its seemed perfect to us! 3 boys 2 girls "Perfection"
After the years of losses, infertility treatments and depleting savings accounts! We have (both independently) come to realize that children are a blessing... and that God is the best one to decide how many blessings we have!! It is completely in his hands....
i know i havent been very consistent blogging here, but i am going to try to do so more often... writing is an excellent way for me to reflect and its VERY therapeutic for me, and maybe a long the way i can help someone else!
Thanks for reading & Blessings to all!
*please keep us n prayers over the coming weeks as we mourn our most recent loss and deal with the holidays without our little man*